SWANSONG: THE LAST PALADIN
​
​
​
 
DANIEL "SUGARFALL"
JULY 12, 1967 - FEB 12, 2020
 
Death does not always come suddenly.
In the case of Daniel (my husband) it came gradually.
We were all of us blessed enough to have had not only clear and
emphatic forewarning, but also many more days than were
predicted. It gave us all more than gracious time to
emotionally-prepare ourselves for what loomed.
We had time to travel when his health permitted, time to discuss
every detail of the moment itself and whatever came thereafter. 
I am grateful for this. So very grateful.
I am now a widow, something one does not assume
they will be at such a young age.
The poly life leaves me without the most
extraordinary man that ever lived but with two wives,
two girlfriends and a circle of support from
people who knew him and loved him.
Though I know most have no interest in my marriage
or even knowing that I had a husband I, of course,
have much to say and would like to share it nevertheless.
It would mean so much to me if even a few people
set themselves aside to share in this site-celebration of
probably the most amazing man to ever set foot on this planet.
 
For those who were not already aware, Daniel died
Wednesday Feb 12th at 11:14 pm surrounded by those who loved him
of an astrocytoma (after 2 years beyond his predicted expiry date)
which was simultaneously responsible for his genius.
Like Travolta's character in the movie "PHENOMENON", the
tumor gradually thrived and its fingers networked through his
brain, bringing together a dozen areas that meant
a miraculous ability to do what the rest of us cannot even
imagine being capable of, but -- in the red of the ledger -- also
meant a capricious cruelty to his mind and body,
a sometimes-random breakdown in anything and everything
from his sight, to his ability to stand or walk.
One day he was rock-climbing, the next, paralyzed.
One day he was drinking in the beauty of the blue sky, the next blind.
He could forget more in a day than most of us learn in a lifetime.
Then know things he'd never learned.
There is no way for knowing if his autism was the result of the tumor
or just an insane coincidence but he was born with the
ability to write symphonies, play 22 instruments.
 
There's also no way of knowing for sure how much of his personality
was dictated or influenced by the autism or cancer.
But even into his late 40's he had a child-like view of the world, life,
love, hope, faith, people that was often seen by detractors as
foolish, naive, ridiculous and worthy of derision and exploitation.
In everything he did, thought, said, there was an excitement,
a stamina, an irrepressible need to excel, laugh, cry, embrace
and without any interest whatsoever in money or fame or power
he forged an invisible life of achievement, avoiding notoriety,
applause or profit, seeking only the deepest of intimacy from those
fortunate enough to be in his private circle.
He was the sort to take a bullet or flurry of bullets for everyone he loved.
Those who knew him -- including myself -- watched him lay down
his life in awe-striking ways none of us would ever genuinely consider
doing, let alone as unflinchingly as he did it.
​
I met Daniel when I was 19, a pre-med student.
I attended a lecture, unaware of the life he had led until then or his
connection to such people as Britney.
Like 99% of the population I was living without any knowledge of
the world he was about to open up to me.
Without boring or mystifying you with the bizarre details of how it came to be,
I was soon being ushered to the other side of the world where I found
myself in China & Taiwan where his extraordinary world and life were
reshaping me from a petty, small bitch into...
well...let's avoid anything that would seem boastful.
Conceit is so ugly.
Years later now, though I am nowhere near the person I'd love to be
certainly I shed that child (I hope) and became someone I know
earnestly glimpses what he did and desperately wants to attempt to be
a fraction of what he was and believed I could become.
 
Daniel did not subscribe to terrestrial civilization.
He encouraged my adventure, my exploration, my search for
meaning beyond civilization such as it is without the pettiness
of envies, jealousies, rivalry.
He did this for everyone.
People like Britney and others were drawn to him like
lost souls to a light, the cold to a fire, the starving to food, the thirsty to water.
He was an oasis, a well in a wasteland.
It sometimes seemed there was no limit to what he was capable
of giving, no bottom to the well.
He seemed infinite, though clearly he was not.
In these last months it broke my heart to see such a GIANT shrink.
He could some days not stand or remember simple things.
He was fragile, frail, a dozen ice-packs frostbiting his skin everywhere to
relieve horrifying agony that he refused to honestly represent.
He was suffering 1000 times more than he ever dared let on.
He was still making the rest of us laugh even as savage suffering was
devouring him, madness shredding his once-tender mind.
He was desperate to use every lucid, able moment to guide,
teach, comfort the rest of us even though he was the one withering and dying.
He spent a lifetime becoming zero, eluding things like
bank accounts, credit cards, possessions long before he was ill.
He saw his life as an opportunity to become the best version of beauty.
He talked only of kindness, sweetness, sacrifice and tenderness.
He despised and rejected everything selfish, cruel or harsh.
He was soft and wanted the world to be even softer.
He wanted to embrace everyone on the street and tell them
they were beautiful and that everything...was going to be just fine.
​
Daniel was himself (and believed in) the human Swan potential.
More than anything he saw everyone as being capable of
more than they ever believed themselves and
toiled to inspire everyone to reach beyond any brink of the
human imagining...and he himself did just that.
His parents despised him for it since birth.
They were already ugly when he was born.
The abuse he suffered is...beyond digestion.
To even begin to capsulize the rapes, the broken bones, the blood,
the torment and tragedy is simply impossible.
Homeless by 15, on foot across Canada to Vancouver-PEI,
he ventured into the wild and into the cities with thousands of
breathtaking, mesmerizing experiences to share for those who
were hungry to partake.
His insane life led to a nervous breakdown, learning to walk again,
chew, swallow, speak, rebuild himself.
His second life thereafter, just as awe-inspiring, just as horrible too.
​
But it did not break him.
It did not kill or even quiet the faith, hope and spirit that all of us lose
long before we are in college, let alone 52.
He seemed eternally-child-like and -- at the same time -- wise beyond
words or digestion.
To this very moment I don't know why he took notice of me at all.
He already had so many burdens and commitments to so many.
I wasn't special or even a good prospect.
I was average, if that.
There were so many other people worldwide who could have thrived
with the influence of someone like Daniel, far beyond me.
Selfishly, I devoured every opportunity I had to spend time with him
and take anything he gave me, even though I knew it was
just that -- selfish. Greedy.
Everything beautiful that I may be, he gave me.
As he did with everyone.
He made me a better writer, singer, painter.
He taught me how to ride a scooter, swim, fetch a taxi and what a
BIG MAC was.
He helped me find, see and caress the beauty in all of you.
He replaced my mediocrity with meaning.
He taught me the greatest gift you can give someone isn't
love you give them but the love you help them
find in themselves for others.
​
Daniel saw the world from the surface of the Sun or Jupiter.
In fact, the very word astrocytoma was coined for his cancer because
one of the side-effects of it are dreams and nightmares
(and sometimes hallucinations) that you are free-floating in space
with all the planets around you, free of gravity.
It was terrifying for him.
But he watched his species in a larger web of history or future
craving maskless intimacy with everyone and at the same time
regarding it from afar with concern and approval.
In the years I knew him dozens of times I witnessed
birds and butterflies land and remain on him, geese gather
to him while shunning everyone else, homeless strangers
approach and speak to him freakish mysteries
and messages 'from the ether' as though receiving information
from the heavens.
It was bizarre and inexplicable!
It was impossible to spend any substantial time with Daniel
without muttering "what the hell was that about?". Often.
He was shockingly skilled at hundreds of little things from catching
coins off his elbow to shooting pool, from cooking 11 things
at once so that everything synchronized to a perfect finish to
building card-houses as tall as me.
He was eerily endowed and more genuine than anyone I'll ever know.
He did not know how to lie or even why others did.
It made it difficult for many people to be near him.
​
​
Daniel achieved so much.
He wrote dozens of books, traveled the world, explored every major
religion, was an ordained minister, theologian, D. Div.,
philosopher, adventurer. He was always adding to himself new skills
and knowledge, always breaking what was to rebuild anew.
From the Tibetan mountains to the Australian outback, across oceans
into the red rock canyons, he searched for everything in awe.
He was able to climb 1/3 of Mt Everest and couch-potato with a pizza.
He could revel in the grand and microscopic.
He could talk in reverence about bacteria and the grandeur of
the galaxy with equal passion.
 
And he was HILARIOUS!
The funniest person I ever knew. Everyone left Daniel...giddy.
And we also left him...more than we were hours before.
Gold/plat records he hid, awards he stored and stashed punctuate his
private countryside.
Somehow he chose me. No clue why.
Britney...I could understand...but me? No clue! No clue!
He didn't see anything the way I do or you do.
So he had no idea what I'm now saying.
What made him the most amazing man to have ever walked the earth
wasn't his genius, accomplishments or character but that he ought to
have seen it and been proud but did not.
Pride was a mystery to him.
He was humble beyond explanation.
Someone who had so earned the right to be and feel amazing
saw himself as small and unimpressive.
He did not wield what he was like a totem or trophy.
Instead, he was distracted by what lay ahead, what he had failed
yet to find, learn, become, do.
Life for Daniel was not for planning, discussing.
It was for doing.
There were simply never enough minutes in a day.
Time was a prison, a cage. Sleep was an obstacle.
A lifetime was horrifyingly short.
There was still so much left to do, so many more adventures,
so much more music to compose, books to write, so many more
orgasms to both have and give, so much more laughter,
so many more tears to cry, bridges to cross.
He wept openly, without embarassment at commercials
yet was swashbuckling and heroic when everyone else
panicked and came apart.
In peril he was Jason Bourne and Batman.
In calm he was savoring the cosmos and fragile.
 
There was still so much more to learn, become.
 
I did not become half the ME I wanted to before he was gone.
Everyone else feels the same.
I know in my heart he would shake his head at me for openly
celebrating his life like this because he so adamantly resisted such things.
He wanted to be invisible and to honor that I will not go beyond this.
We will all quietly celebrate in our hearts and memories and everyday
living, what may be the last Paladin.
 
I will, of course, still grieve even though I had years to
prepare for this and have done so.
But I also need to embrace life and faith, hope...love.
I dare not dishonor his miraculous life and time he gave me
by wallowing in the darkness for my loss.
Yes, the loss is immense.
But there is still so much I can, will and want to do.
For the moment I am going to give this sexy sliver of my life
another year while I continue to do other things, achieve, grow.
I will leave whatever music of his is left in music stores for that year.
I will add to this memorium and I hope you will share it with me!
 
Daniel's real legacy cannot be downloaded.
It cannot be tapped into except through those he gave himself to.
I want to see so much more of the human beauty.
I want to laugh, live, linger in the afterglow.
Those of you who met him hopefully glimpsed a bit of what I mean.
Those of you who did not, missed a magical man.
He made sure to make me promise I would have the
best-possible life I could.
I plan to do nothing other.
 
It's my hope to become a human Swan.
​
Thank you for sharing this moment with me.
On this journey, every moment is a mile.
Let's traverse ourselves and the universe!
​